what today could have been.

back in march robert and i found out that we were pregnant with our second baby.  we were surprised but also very excited.  we were definitely ready to grow our family and to welcome nash to the big brother roll.  in march, when i was just ten weeks along we lost our baby.

miscarriage.  i remember when i realized what was happening i just kept thinking "it was happening to me this is really  happening".  at times we feel invisible.  we feel like that couldn't happen to us.  sadly, i have those moments.  each moment is a gift.  each family member and friend is a gift and we do not know how long we will have with them here.  treasure it.  soak it up.  be thankful.

  i have had very close friends go through a miscarriage and i have been right there to support them but the pain that is felt is indescribable.  i had learned how common miscarriage was but it is something that you pray and hope never happens to you.  and when it does it is hard to know what to feel.

the hardest part for me was that little baby was such a huge part of robert and i.  i wanted to meet him or her.  i wanted to see who they were and see their personality.  i wanted to smell and touch and hold and kiss that little baby.  not knowing what could have been is hard.  losing such a big part of you is hard.  this little tiny life was ended so quickly.

at first i just felt numb.  then i was in disbelief.  then this deep sadness and loss was felt for a few weeks.

 for some reason this little baby wasn't supposed to be here with us.  and that is ok.  although i don't understand the details and the why, i trust in the Lord's plan.  we are well informed that this life will come with great happiness and also great sorrow.  in each stage we can learn and grow and we should constantly be thankful for what we do have.

that tiny baby reminded me to hold on to nash a little tighter and realize what a miracle he is.

that tiny baby reminded me what an absolute precious gift life is.

that tiny baby reminded me that in this life i couldn't survive without Christ being the center of my world.

that tiny baby showed me what it feels like to lose something so close to you and because of that i will forever be able to support other women who go through something similar better then i could have before.

that tiny baby will forever leave a huge mark on my heart.

a mark that i am thankful to have.

one day i will meet my little baby and that makes me smile.

you will always be my favorite "what if".

He has made everything beautiful in it's time.

Ecclesiastes 3:11