what today could have been.

back in march robert and i found out that we were pregnant with our second baby.  we were surprised but also very excited.  we were definitely ready to grow our family and to welcome nash to the big brother roll.  in march, when i was just ten weeks along we lost our baby.

miscarriage.  i remember when i realized what was happening i just kept thinking "it was happening to me this is really  happening".  at times we feel invisible.  we feel like that couldn't happen to us.  sadly, i have those moments.  each moment is a gift.  each family member and friend is a gift and we do not know how long we will have with them here.  treasure it.  soak it up.  be thankful.

  i have had very close friends go through a miscarriage and i have been right there to support them but the pain that is felt is indescribable.  i had learned how common miscarriage was but it is something that you pray and hope never happens to you.  and when it does it is hard to know what to feel.

the hardest part for me was that little baby was such a huge part of robert and i.  i wanted to meet him or her.  i wanted to see who they were and see their personality.  i wanted to smell and touch and hold and kiss that little baby.  not knowing what could have been is hard.  losing such a big part of you is hard.  this little tiny life was ended so quickly.

at first i just felt numb.  then i was in disbelief.  then this deep sadness and loss was felt for a few weeks.

 for some reason this little baby wasn't supposed to be here with us.  and that is ok.  although i don't understand the details and the why, i trust in the Lord's plan.  we are well informed that this life will come with great happiness and also great sorrow.  in each stage we can learn and grow and we should constantly be thankful for what we do have.

that tiny baby reminded me to hold on to nash a little tighter and realize what a miracle he is.

that tiny baby reminded me what an absolute precious gift life is.

that tiny baby reminded me that in this life i couldn't survive without Christ being the center of my world.

that tiny baby showed me what it feels like to lose something so close to you and because of that i will forever be able to support other women who go through something similar better then i could have before.

that tiny baby will forever leave a huge mark on my heart.

a mark that i am thankful to have.

one day i will meet my little baby and that makes me smile.

you will always be my favorite "what if".

He has made everything beautiful in it's time.

Ecclesiastes 3:11    

motherhood.

i've recently started reading "don't make me count to three" by ginger hubbard.
(a recommendation from a sweet friend of mine)

it is a mother's look at heart-oriented discipline and so far i am loving it.

nash has started to have much more of an opinion lately and the real discipline has officially started in our household.  discipline is certainly not for the faint of heart and i want to make sure i try my best to get it right or at least educate myself so i have some additional knowledge to stand on.

because as parents, let's be honest, we need all the help we can get.

for real.

God has given me the responsibility to raise Nash and that is not a job to take lightly.

He has entrusted Nash to us and as parents we need to guide, encourage, mold his character, nurture, love, and build his confidence.

in the book, the author, pointed out some quotes that some influential people said about their mothers.
  it hit home and reminded me what a big role we have in the lives of our children.
  being a mother, is one of the most important things i will do in my lifetime.

"My mother was the making of me.  She was so true, so sure of me; and I felt that I had someone to live for, someone I must not disappoint."

  -- Thomas Edison

Abe Lincoln described his mother as the person chiefly responsible for all he was or ever hoped to become.

"My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw.  All that I am I owe to my mother.  I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual, and physical education I received from her."

 -- George Washington

nash, you are two.

nash you turned 2 just over a month ago and i took these photos of you just a few months before your birthday.  capturing you in each stage is something i have loved to do.  you are full of life and always have a smile on your face.  

you have some what of a capturing personality.  people seem to be drawn towards you and the way you carry yourself. 

some of your favorite things are trucks, cars, airplanes, basically anything that involves transportation.  you love to go outside and you are drawn to dirt immediately.  it has some sort of a magnetic pull towards you.  we seriously can be on acres of grass and you will find the one small pile of dirt in 2.5 seconds.  it makes us all laugh.  you are addicted to the movie "how to train your dragon".  you prefer for us to always play with you but you will also play by yourself well.  you love to take baths.  you love to wrestle with dad and tickle your mom.  you know most of your family's names and love to go visit them.  you love our dog, sully, and always make sure she is close behind.  you recently have learned to jump.  we take you everywhere with us and you do awesome with each new adventure we take you on.  we want you to experience life and learn at every opportunity.  you speak well for your age and we always know what you want because of this.  you love soccer and going to real salt lake games.  you can drop kick a soccer ball.  some of your favorite and most frequent words are uh oh, mommy, daddy, outside, watch a show, pizza, sully, bye bye, love you, play cars, all done, hold me, read a book, and no!    

we love you nash.

say what?!?! i'm baaaaaaaack!

well heeeeeeelllllo.

i unexpectedly took a million years off from blogging.  totally unplanned.

but i MISS it and i miss being able to look back at our memories.

so back to it! 

and here is the start of that!

here are some recent photos.

15 months

                                   

nash.

here you are fresh up from a nap.

you are 15 months and it has been too long since we have had a little update on you and your busy self.

here are a few things i want to remember about you right now.

you have quite the little personality these days alongside quite an opinion. 

it's fun to see you express yourself in new ways and discover new things that you can do.

you have tackled the task of going down the stairs now.  you do this whole slide on your belly as fast as you can and usually you turn onto your belly far before you need to so you typically crawl backwards for awhile before you even hit the stairs.

we committed to taking the gates down and could have a month before we did.  i was a little unsure of how it would be to not keep you contained to one floor at a time.

your favorite toys are spatulas, cars, lego blocks, and anything from the kitchen. 

you LOVE to help cook.

we cannot cook unless you are in our arms.  which proves to be quite the task.

when you want a drink you say.... "kneeeeeeeeeeeee"

you love to hit us and the dog with the spatula and then you are really upset when we take your spatula away.

you are a pro at using a fork.  not so great with a spoon.

your favorite work is "TRATOR!" (tractor)

you can climb everywhere.

  couches, chairs, the dining room table, coffee tables, onto the toilet and then onto the bathroom counter.

when we are at the store you find people across the room and get there attention by just looking at them.

you love to be held.

you LOVE books.  i think you could be ok if we read to you all day everyday.

we love you nash!

the snow dance has started

we are gearing up for the winter around here.

picked up our passes for snowbasin.

doing a little bit of the snow dance.

and looking forward to our soon to be time on the mountain.

                           

                           

                     

San Antonio

since the last day of summer is quickly approaching i thought it was due time to show a bit of our fun summer travels.  about time i know!  traveling is one of the best things in my opinion.  so when the opportunity comes i jump on it.  

this summer we made our way to texas and after that nash and i traveled to missouri to see some of my closest friends.  so here is the first post to one of our first stops, san antonio.

we got to visit the alamo and walk along the famous riverwalk.  i lived in texas for a number of years but never actually made my way to san antonio.

we sipped cold drinks along the riverwalk and basically sweat it all out 5 seconds later.  it was hot and sticky.  i think my younger brothers were wishing they were anywhere but there because it was just that hot.  but we forced them to have fun. :) 

it was hot y'all.  and i can say y'all since this post is discussing our time in texas.  

here are some photos that captured our day.